Fast Sex?

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said,
'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...
'The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls her on her cell phone and asks what happened...?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

'The bastard had all quarters!'

Management Lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Disorder in the Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

If you have had the unfortunate of having to deal with lawyers, you will particularly enjoy these vignettes:

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do...
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Thanks to Gio for this funny post!

Porn Star Resume'

I gotta hand it Gary, he's got quite the running comments on what a porn star resume should say.
Check out his Facebook profile HERE and make your own. ...comment that is, not resume.

POSTED NOTES

Thanks to modern stationary marvels, I finally am able to leave a NOTE TO SELF, help me to remember and DON'T FORGET TO and remind myself to DEAL WITH THIS. (...that's probably the note I will run from after I light it on fire and laugh uncontrollably.)

...just kidding, I don't even know what I am supposed to do with this stuff anyway, but they are really colorful and they do stick to stuff, so it's fun. *wink*

Let's Go Shopping!

Rusty just sent this to me, and I can't help but think some of the ideas are hilarious.
It gives me so cool ideas. *hehe*

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Gilbert;

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Gilbert are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Sincerely,
Wal-Mart

Fortune Cookie - Throw More Parties

I liked my electronic fortune cookie I got today.
It read,

"Preserve wild life. Throw more parties."

...that's hot.
...to that I say, "You got it."

Call me the WWF, okay bitch? (World Wildlife Federation)

Chinese University vs. American University

Another friend Gary sent me this funny e-mail today explaining my the Chinese are better in math.

WHY THE CHINESE KICK OUR REARS IN MATHEMATICS...!
STUDY THE FIRST PHOTO VERY CAREFULLY.

THEN LOOK AT THE SECOND ONE.

IT MAY TAKE AWHILE, BUT EVENTUALLY YOU WILL NOTICE A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PHOTOGRAPHS.

*chuckle*

Penis Guys

Howard and Bert both sent me this and I had to laugh. *hehe*

Who Cares?

...true dat.

Scary Baby Stoller

I mean seriously, would you push your kid around in something like this?
I would run screaming if I saw this coming at me even as an adult.
Way to fuck up a kids future.
http://www.calpernia.com/stroller-from-hell-what-a-dream/
Thanks, Calpernia Adams for this crazy shot.

Boy of the Moment - Star Trek Trick

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Boy of the Moment - Phone Sex

I will never think of phone sex the same way again. YIKE!

First Celebrity Swine Flu Death

...and we all know who gave it to him.
(Thanks to Debbie for this one.)

Love - Hate

"It's a "Love-Hate" relationship, baby."

Doggie Dancers

Howard sent me this photo of two dancers that I can use for the Grabby's. Tyson and Archie would be perfect, if they weren't so lazy and I worked for www.rentdog.com. ...back to the drawing board.

Online Fortune Cookie

I am glad I had an online fortune to tell me this, otherwise I might not "Beware of odors from unfamiliar sources."

If you want an online fortune, (...and for goodness sake, it must be accurate if I get it online right?) visit http://www.gadgetate.com/games.html

Circle of Life & Success

I have always wondered how to measure success.
(...and love?) If I paid attention on Broadway, it's in minutes or cups of coffee or something.

Well, wonder now more, thanks to this PowerPoint presentation that Howard sent me today, I now now how the circle of life works and how to measure success. *smile*

Boy of the Moment - Big Boy

This photo made me chuckle today.

If they had sex, he might break her in half.
Ouch.
(They could not even be together though and he could be passing her up on a walk. I mean, I should not be so quick to make assumptions.)
I also like that the big guy has a little doggie that's the size of his pectoral muscle.
*hehe*

I Loves Horses

Huked on foniks werked for this studint.

Please, I am only making fun of this because it sounds like the writer is saying whores and not horses. *Neigh*
In third grade, I am sure I fucked up way more than this. Hell, I still do.

(Thanks, Sean for forwarding me this.)

Get 'Em Started Early - Kid After Dentist

OMG! I fucking love this:

The caption says, "Last May, Florida resident David DeVore took his 8-year-old son, David DeVore Jr., to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. On the ride home, the boy's father recorded a conversation with his still-sedated son and uploaded it to YouTube in early 2009. In just a few weeks, footage of little David's adorable foray into drug use and his father's totally awesome encouragement has been viewed over 8 million times, inspired countless remixes and tribute videos, and was even featured on Vh1's "Best Week Ever" and Fox News. Hey, Davie, give us a call when you get to college!"

Thanks to Jeremy Feist for the original link to the "RECITAL MELTDOWN". ...that so would have been me.) It's his fault.

...this one is cracking me up.

See more of the internets best videos at CollegeHumors Web Celeb Hall of Fame.