Four Photos

Every time I go to the bathroom in the Las Vegas apartment and am standing there pissing, I get to see this wonderful and beautiful sight. It's like the newspapers that many restaurants put above the urinals, but better. Below is a photo frame that I have hanging up right now.

• The photo at the top left is of Noah Christensen and I in some river, creek, or ditch in Chicago or his suburb or something. It was beautiful scenery. I am talking about him more though, he's still one of my top favorite things.
• The photo to the upper right is of my family a few years ago. I think that was in Buford, South Carolina for a family friends wedding, but I am not sure. It's one of my favorite family photos. (I have not seen the ones that were taken at Mardi Gras recently though.) I know I am very lukcy to have both of parents and not only that, but that they are still married. Plus, that's not all folks, they know what I do and are supportive. I can't ask for much more. It's moments like this and seeing this photo that remind me of that.
  
• The bottom left is of my friend Mikala, that I have lost touch with. She was the sister of one of the guys that worked for me at the hotel. She came to New Orleans with me one time and we had a blast. She got along well with my on again/off again boyfriend at the time, Chad who is also in that photo. I think it's one of the best photos of him, although all the photos of him are BEAUTIFUL!
• The one at the bottom right is of me with sweaty armpits, (WHOA, kinda hot, I think. Man, that makes me vain. I am okay with that.) my wonderful friend Gary, Chad again and one of my high school best friends, Katie. (...whom I also need to get back in touch with. I thought I would never seperate from her in high school.) Gary and I had "matching" shirts that were FIERCE! I don't know how Gary has put up with me this long, I have put him through some shit, let me tell you. He's such a powerful person in my life. ...and he has sexy, rosy red cheeks. *blush*
  

I am very fortunate to have been though many of the stages of a relationship with Chad. We still talk a few times a mont to this date. We dated, broke up, hated each other, and been everywhere in between. We've played footisie under the table at accounting meetings for the city accountants of hotels and I have dodged thrown shoes flying down the hallway at me at his apartment. He even moved cross-country to be together in Ohio after trying the long distance thing, then he either held out the trash can and told me that I can jump in it because I am trash or said, "If I pour sugar on you you'd be a frosted flake." We have re-loved each other, had make-up sex, had hot sex even after we were apart. It's been confusing to me at very few times, but frustrating at many.
My mom says it's because he's my first boyfriend that I am so attached to him. I really don't care why, I just enjoy that I am.
I think I feel so nostalgic because I miss Dustin and just saw this photo of Chad in the bathroom.

Chad has paved that way for me to be in some absolutely wonderful relationships including the one that I wish were more with Dustin. I am thankful to have him in any capacity rather than no capacity, and I wish I could beam him into my bed every night from where he's at down south.

It's so crazy to see how times have changed. I groan and I chuckle at times, sometimes together huh? ARGH!

Happy Holidays

After all that hooplah at LAX this morning from when I arrived at 5:30am until I pulled out off the airport's street at 1:11pm, I am not even going anywhere but back to where I started.

...to sort out the end of the craziness that I caused myself today - I finally just did what I could and I re-booked the flight to New Orleans to see my family later in January.
Which means I am going to have my first holiday NOT at home with my parents.
I am okay with that, I don't even think I am that upset and the pressure in my head and my face does not hurt like it normally would at this time of the situation.

Now this next part is going to sound like it's rambling. ...and there's a good reason for that. ...that's because it IS me rambling....

I am very proud of my mom for handling it like she did. Why am I proud? ...because that's the best way I can say that I am glad I didn't end up feeling as guilty as I expected to. I am proud of her because it got me out of feeling deeper in trouble. It's the best way to shift the focus from me fucking things up to how she made it easier to deal with.
Something I think was special and new is that unlike the past, I think my mom had some positive influence on my dad this time.
The second time I talked to them today, they both answered the phone together, and my dad's tone of voice had totally changed. Totally.
I thought she would make me feel guilty like she thought I should feel for not being with the family at the one time of year she wanted tradition to prevail. Her biggest concern is tradition. My dad's is more religious and family oriented that we be a unit. (I could be totally off, but that's what I think.) In that past, my own motive for going through the travel time, headaches, and all that of getting to where they were was basically so that I could buy another year of passiveness and non-confrontation. Even if it was fake and only for a few days, I appreciated the feelings before they would explode into a four person riot every year.
I thought dad would be pissed and I would hear how irresponsible I know I am and that by now, I should have booking a freakin' airline ticket down pat. (Frankly, I know I should, I just don't like to hear it from the people it affects when I don't have my site together.)
I think my dad was more disappointed then he let on. ...that's not something that happens very often in my eyes of him and really did make me sad today. I think he had every right to be though. I mean, this is the third year I have fucked up my holiday flights and last year he told me as calmly as he always is that he just does not understand why I can't pay more attention to the things like that when it affects more than just me. I think my own saving grace is that I have done it so often, now they kind of expect it, so it's not as shocking. (Hey, it worked. As awful as that sounds, it worked.)

If my mom was sad, I could only tell because she is trying with great success to overcompensate and hide what has been the same mistake for years when she goes off the handle and blacklists her for the next year. She's going to great lengths in showing how accepting she is of reality now unlike the past.
She's dealing well with her new medication she tells me and that's she okay with what we want even if it's not in line with what she wants.
We are all realizing that things are not always ideal like we want them to be. Too many years have always been able to skate by the skin of our teeth.

I talked to my brother who said from the get-go this holiday season that he would be doing his own holiday with his new family of a wife and brand new baby boy by themselves and that he did not want my mom and dad to come to his house.
He didn't waste a moment in making it clear that I could stop by and enjoy the holiday with him, but that he was not welcoming my mom and dad in his home and he would not be coming three hours travel time to theirs.
In years past, I tried to convince my mom that my brothers like his just that. It's his own and it's not up for control by anyone other than himself.
It was like beating my head into a stocking filled with coal because she wanted a family photo Christmas holiday every 24th filled with cheer that was so fake and cosmetic light but felt beautiful for that short time.
I became a part of that and did everything I could but let go of my own values to give into that superficial sense of well being because for that short time, it was cohesive and I like that. I can fake it if I get what I want because it feels good.

Having anything other than a picture-esque Christmas just would not do in the past.
Now I am proud of the idea that I think she see's that we paint a different picture each year and it's going to have some places where we color out of the lines.

What is this? It's like my new age hits like a ton of bricks or something?

Okay, enough of that, I do that once a year and it's this time, so that's a healthy dose of being uncomfortable and insecure for you.
Wrap that up and put it under your tree. *wink*

Love/Fuck and the Grey/Gray Area

I could not find where I put this in my blog before, but I think I have. (I have been known to be wrong though.)

"Love." and "Fuck."
...and the gray area in between.

(How the fuck do you spell gray? I have seen it grey AND gray, they both appear to be correct. ARGH! ...even the spelling of the word is grey/gray.)

Many escorts deal with it.
Many people who are not escorts deal with it.

It may just be easier to fuck love or it may be easier to love to fuck - either way, how do you tell when the line has been crossed?
Does it even matter?

Of Heart and Head

Wow, two people that are very close to me, just got out of jail in the last week.
Not one, but both of the boys are ones that I considered to be in my "inner circle" of friends.

One of them was upsetting enough to make me question what I am doing in life.
After two days of wondering what was going on and not knowing, I received an perfectly spelled and punctuated, yet awful text message at an early hour of the day and it set me off for the rest of the week. ...maybe longer.
I truly feel a little less confident in my own arena and have felt despondent to things I normally would address with fervor and excitement.
I felt pissed off when I heard that someone close to me was in trouble for what I promote as healthy, fun and rewarding. I mean, seriously, I just led someone I truly care about into the arms of trouble and practically hand delivered him. What kind of well, anything would do that?
Then I felt sad, like I had to go hand in my office keys and walk quietly away from it.
I questioned what I felt and stood for. ...and that sucks, it really does.

Nice, now I have to plan a big party for porn stars and escorts in Las Vegas and sing the praises of a almost always self detonating industry and not only that, I have to make it make money.

What. Am. I. Doing?

I felt responsible to go to "work" (...which it is not often viewed as "work" for me.) and at least act like things were normal. Mission accomplished. Now what?
They are not back to normal and I still don't know what to do. In fact, this is the first time I am really touching on this in my blog because I am so uncomfortable with it all.

The second trouble bubble was not related to the first ones charge, but still was frustrating enough to make me have to step back and take in the situation as a whole.
First off, I didn't take a few calls that I received about the situation early on seriously so it hit a little harder as I digested it later on.
It's important to remember that it's entirely possible that you just don't know people like you think you do.
It breaks my heart that love and reality sometimes have a head on collision.

I know this sounds haphazard, but so does my head. (You should try being in there, it's even worse.)

Note to self: You can't control people, you can influence them, but you can't control them. No matter how hard to try, not matter how much sugar you pour on it, no matter how many times you click your heels, it's not. going. to. happen.

I am truly in a place I have not been before and can't say I look forward to the learning experience I know this has to be.

Las Vegas and Loving

Tuesday night, Angel and I drove to Las Vegas for a mixer/social that QVegas Magazine was throwing for the 30th anniversary of the publication.

My dear Lisa took these photos of Angel and I almost a year after THIS photo on December 3 of last year when we went to a similar party. razy huh?

The event was at 'Dick's Last Resort' at the 'Excalibur Casino.'
they make these silly hats and I kept taking mine off, so they kept making new ones. I think I had 4 different ones before we left. When I paid my tab and left, I was THRILLED that it was only $55.00. I can't remember the last time I left a bar/nightclub/event with a bar like that. FIERCE! Plus, I chuckled when the name they kept track of my total with was under HOOKER. ...like T.J. Hooker I am sure. *wink*

Angel and I met up with Moose and this absolutely adorable guy in the colorful, Argyle (...now I know what the name of the pattern is.) sweater named Andrew. (I met him originally at GayDays in Anaheim I think.)
This photo to the right is of all of us and the waitress.
I had a good time and totally am infatuated with Andrew. He actually makes me kind nervous.
Issues I see include that he's about as wholesome as Angel Benton when it comes to sex, so that leaves me out in the left field waving to them! *wink* Good for them holding their own values of sex and love close to their hearts and head. Every ones views are different and that's the beauty of this world, right?
Andrew won this stuffed dog in the arcade playing games while he waited for Angel and I that he gave me on the way out. I was so excited and am keeping the dog in the car with me now.
He really needs to stop his hotness.

As I talk about other boys, it's important for me to let everyone know that I think the world of Dustin, but we have a strange comfort in our fledgling new level of relationship that comes from knowing each other over 8 years.
Angel Benton broke the story in his blog and a voice post, but whatever relationship I have with Dustin is something that while I won't deny it, I certainly choose to keep it more intimate than other relationships in the past.
I had one of the most beautiful, satisfying, intimate, sexy and calm nights with him the day Murphy and Tatum left (...that's another story that's right around the corner.) that left me in a whole new zone with relationships that I am still figuring out in my head.

Angel and I seem to know little bounds in travel when we decide we want to go do something.
We drove back to Los Angeles the very next day after we ate at the 'Rio' breakfast buffet. (...which was yummy and certainly worth $14.99. The selection is insane.)
Angel said, "It's like Mommy and Daddy's day away from the kids." and even if I wanted to differ from his opinion, it would have been difficult

As much harassment as I give Angel Benton (...and in case you wonder how much it is - it's A LOT!) I have to hand it to him. He's an amazing individual and good person. His goodness runs deep into the cores of his bones and it's not going anywhere. I am extremely lucky to have him as a friend.

Speaking of good friends, I don't know what's up with Rusty, but I am feeling more and more distant from him lately.
I realize that part of it is him sleeping often and the other is that he has this new friend. (...whom I really think is nifty and good for Rusty.)
I know that just based on the volume of time I see him, things are going to change, but it's not the same without having Rusty around as often as I am used to.
Everything happens for a reason, so I am comfortable with just dealing with it.

....that's a much more intense blog than I am used to writing, but that's the way it goes in being Brandon Baker. *wink*

Spoiled Support

"Spoiled, party of one, your table is now ready."

In case you were wondering, that's me. *wink*

I am up a little late, but I assure you, today was an incredible day of ups and downs.
Next week, I can blog more, but man, it's been stressful.
However, as Rusty pointed out today at end close of the day's business, "Did you really worry? Everything works out for you in the end, just like it always seems to do."

As I head to bed, I want to count my blessings. However, I can't count that high. I mean it, I am so thankful for the amount of support I have in things.
Right now, the pool party is on my mind, and my desk, and my company checkbook, and the internet, and... you get the point. So, naturally, I am thinking of that.

However, it's not all I am thinking about. It's things that I do everyday and can easily overlook that right now, as I reflect on a day that packed quite a punch, that I have support from all around me. I have it from friends, I have it from clients, I have it from co-workers, I have it from my bosses above me, I have it from my parents, heck, I have it from most of my ex-boyfriends for goodness sake, I have it coming at me from every which way and I want to say THANK YOU!

"I FEEL" Magnetic

I have this "I FEEL" magnetic board on my desk that I move around each day to the picture of the "fierce bitch" as Angel Benton may put it, that I feel most like.
I like identifying with one of these, especially the "Bitchy" one, the "Naughty" one and the "Spunky" one.